Self-Sabotage

What happens when you're blessed enough to find that one?  The counterpart to your soul; the one that is supposed to make falling in love and sharing yourself easy...

Then by the time you're somewhat sold on your emotions and feelings for that person, they disappear?

I've heard people say that Love is a chemical response.  I don't know if I necessarily agree with that.  On a scientific level, I'm sure there are numerous formulas and graphs to prove me otherwise, but it seems so much deeper than that.

Love is a choice.

I've made the conscious choice to love you despite your flaws, your mistakes, your past and everything you, me or society has deemed as negative.  However when people receive this wonderful gift from someone, we have a tendency to freak out and try to give it back or run away from it.

I'm guilty of the freaking out part and over-analyzing every little detail.  No one wants to get hurt again or is willing to put themselves out there to be hurt.  I personally didn't think I could feel this way again.  I thought my heart was closed off to these emotions or too damaged to even entertain the idea of love again.  And yet here it is/was...

I don't know if this was a test to get me to open up again or if something really amazing is about to take place.  I'm still nervous and giddy about all these emotions but I can't say I have ever felt this kind of calm before.

To be continued...

Graduation and beyond...

3 February 2012

Now what?

It has been a little over two months since my graduation and journey end with Full Sail University.  I'm still very much in awe of everything that I have learned as well as how much I have accomplished.  It was a tough year but if given the opportunity to do it again, I would, in a heartbeat.

Of course at the end of every era, one comes to a crossroads of which direction one should go.  You have all this training and knowledge and yet not really sure how, when, where and what you can apply it to....

For the past couple months, I have been in and out of a funk trying to figure out what I should do.  I'm not satisfied with my job and if it's not dealing with music, switching to another job may not change that.

When you don't know what to do or where to turn, sometimes you have to be still and "Let God."  This is a hard concept for anyone to grasp especially someone such as myself who likes to know the answer to everything and be in control.  So I had to bring focus to something else in order to feel productive.

I decided that the one thing I could focus on which was in my control was my weight and health.  I've been on the ViSalus Challenge since August of 2011 and for the most part have been sticking to it.  However, I felt the only way to maintain the weight loss momentum was to also work-out (ugh).  So instead of telling myself, I'm going to get up at 8am and do ZUMBA everyday, I hired a personal trainer.

Not only did I feel and notice a difference in how my clothes fit and how I looked in the mirror within the first week but then I discovered, this guy was connected!!  Now I'm consistently improving my health and weight AS WELL AS recording music and getting the opportunity to learn and apply the knowledge I learned while I was at Full Sail with the owner of the gym!

See what happens when you just let go and focus on other things?  Everything else just seems to fall into place.

These changes gave me the courage to submit an audition DVD for a popular TV show for performing/recording artist hopefuls.  I'm sure you can guess which show, but I'm not going to tell you what it is :).  Regardless of what happens, the point is that I am actively taking steps to pursue my dreams and who knows, it may just happen sooner than I think; in a capacity I never expected.

Full speed ahead........


*Many Thanks to Brian The Gifted for directing and producing my DVD submission. :)

Congratulations, you have now reached the SHOW ME state...

So the dating game is an interesting concept.  When you're still discovering who you are, who you want to and where you're wanting your life to go, dating can be an unnecessary headache.

Lately, I'm discovering things I don't want when I meet a man, so you can only imagine how ecstatic I was when I actually met someone that was too good to be true.

Handsome, smart, goal-oriented, affectionate and could cook like a gourmet chef.  Before I even said anything, he was already talking about what he was looking for: A good woman, settling down, children;  On top of the other things he was already accomplishing. This beautiful chocolate man was a keeper.  So what happened?

In the five days that we had finally met after having multiple conversations six weeks prior, he had stood me up 4 times and stopped returning my calls and texts for no speakable reason.  When he finally did call back, he told me he was shutting me out due to the things he was going through at the time.  Now granted he has a valid reason, based on the situation that happened to him...but when a woman finally allows herself to hope again, she starts to wonder that if she is the problem or if it's the men she chooses to give the time of day?

So what's more heart-breaking than heartbreak?  Allowing yourself to hope that you may have finally found someone to pick up the pieces and put them back together...

Man-cation is back on...