Self-Sabotage

What happens when you're blessed enough to find that one?  The counterpart to your soul; the one that is supposed to make falling in love and sharing yourself easy...

Then by the time you're somewhat sold on your emotions and feelings for that person, they disappear?

I've heard people say that Love is a chemical response.  I don't know if I necessarily agree with that.  On a scientific level, I'm sure there are numerous formulas and graphs to prove me otherwise, but it seems so much deeper than that.

Love is a choice.

I've made the conscious choice to love you despite your flaws, your mistakes, your past and everything you, me or society has deemed as negative.  However when people receive this wonderful gift from someone, we have a tendency to freak out and try to give it back or run away from it.

I'm guilty of the freaking out part and over-analyzing every little detail.  No one wants to get hurt again or is willing to put themselves out there to be hurt.  I personally didn't think I could feel this way again.  I thought my heart was closed off to these emotions or too damaged to even entertain the idea of love again.  And yet here it is/was...

I don't know if this was a test to get me to open up again or if something really amazing is about to take place.  I'm still nervous and giddy about all these emotions but I can't say I have ever felt this kind of calm before.

To be continued...

Graduation and beyond...

3 February 2012

Now what?

It has been a little over two months since my graduation and journey end with Full Sail University.  I'm still very much in awe of everything that I have learned as well as how much I have accomplished.  It was a tough year but if given the opportunity to do it again, I would, in a heartbeat.

Of course at the end of every era, one comes to a crossroads of which direction one should go.  You have all this training and knowledge and yet not really sure how, when, where and what you can apply it to....

For the past couple months, I have been in and out of a funk trying to figure out what I should do.  I'm not satisfied with my job and if it's not dealing with music, switching to another job may not change that.

When you don't know what to do or where to turn, sometimes you have to be still and "Let God."  This is a hard concept for anyone to grasp especially someone such as myself who likes to know the answer to everything and be in control.  So I had to bring focus to something else in order to feel productive.

I decided that the one thing I could focus on which was in my control was my weight and health.  I've been on the ViSalus Challenge since August of 2011 and for the most part have been sticking to it.  However, I felt the only way to maintain the weight loss momentum was to also work-out (ugh).  So instead of telling myself, I'm going to get up at 8am and do ZUMBA everyday, I hired a personal trainer.

Not only did I feel and notice a difference in how my clothes fit and how I looked in the mirror within the first week but then I discovered, this guy was connected!!  Now I'm consistently improving my health and weight AS WELL AS recording music and getting the opportunity to learn and apply the knowledge I learned while I was at Full Sail with the owner of the gym!

See what happens when you just let go and focus on other things?  Everything else just seems to fall into place.

These changes gave me the courage to submit an audition DVD for a popular TV show for performing/recording artist hopefuls.  I'm sure you can guess which show, but I'm not going to tell you what it is :).  Regardless of what happens, the point is that I am actively taking steps to pursue my dreams and who knows, it may just happen sooner than I think; in a capacity I never expected.

Full speed ahead........


*Many Thanks to Brian The Gifted for directing and producing my DVD submission. :)

Congratulations, you have now reached the SHOW ME state...

So the dating game is an interesting concept.  When you're still discovering who you are, who you want to and where you're wanting your life to go, dating can be an unnecessary headache.

Lately, I'm discovering things I don't want when I meet a man, so you can only imagine how ecstatic I was when I actually met someone that was too good to be true.

Handsome, smart, goal-oriented, affectionate and could cook like a gourmet chef.  Before I even said anything, he was already talking about what he was looking for: A good woman, settling down, children;  On top of the other things he was already accomplishing. This beautiful chocolate man was a keeper.  So what happened?

In the five days that we had finally met after having multiple conversations six weeks prior, he had stood me up 4 times and stopped returning my calls and texts for no speakable reason.  When he finally did call back, he told me he was shutting me out due to the things he was going through at the time.  Now granted he has a valid reason, based on the situation that happened to him...but when a woman finally allows herself to hope again, she starts to wonder that if she is the problem or if it's the men she chooses to give the time of day?

So what's more heart-breaking than heartbreak?  Allowing yourself to hope that you may have finally found someone to pick up the pieces and put them back together...

Man-cation is back on...

The Elixir of Love...

What if you could just swallow an elixir to forget how you feel?

As any high school age girl should be expected, I was into the Buffy and Angel universe...Will they or won't they be together?  At some point, as you grow older, you expect to stop living in the fantasy world and figure out what life REALLY is...

Now being 26, the plots for the preteen shows of today haven't really changed...and yet I still find myself reverting back to the thought process of what it was like to be in high school and yearn for that ONE boy to like you.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I never got that ONE boy and I thought I was over this particular stage of my life....this week's The Secret Circle proved me wrong.

Now, my life is no where near as dramatic has the characters played on my DVR, but they do tend to strike a nerve every so often...

So what would you do if you could take an elixir to forget how you truly felt about someone?  Honestly, I think I would have given my right arm for something like that during the summer of 2010.  The person, I was completely head over heels in love with told me he had fallen out of love with me...

It felt as though someone ripped out my heart and punched me in my stomach at the same time.  The relationship ended six months later.  Now, almost two years have gone by and I'm still holding to this pain I didn't even know I still had.  Pain that a TV show can make me relive; pain when asked the right question can bring me to tears, pain that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

There are so many questions I have that will never be answered and although I have forgiven him on what he did, I haven't forgiven myself for allowing it to happen.  I don't think I know how to...

The "Weight-ing" Game Continues...

"If you want something to change, do something different..."- Mr. Joe Thrower

I remember hearing this every other day while I spent most of my high school career in the many choral ensembles of RHS.  The Thrower-ism is in plain English and made sense every time he said it as well what context he was applying it to.

Somehow it just didn't click until now...

Based on society standards, I have been plus size all my life.  I've dealt with self-esteem issues, random starve yourself skinny diets and everything else in between.  Ironically, none of these were because I wanted to look different.  I wanted to lose weight to stop hearing the "fat" jokes.  I wanted to stop hearing that close friends of mine were always questioned as to why they hung out with me?  Because of course, skinny, pretty, and popular people do not associate with people like me.

Despite all this I still participated in many organizations and tried out for things, "big girls don't normally go out for..."

That last statement brought on hysterical laughter....anyway...

Once I came to the point that I wanted to make a change and saw that the change was happening, I freaked out.  What happens if I do drop this weight and feel amazing in my skin, in my clothes, and now I'm getting made fun of for something else?  So self-sabotage commenced...

Recently, I've come to terms with a lot of things.  I have embraced my curves and I will wear the hell out of some jeans that hug me the right way.  (Pick your own word) whoever doesn't like me for whatever reason.

With that being said, I decided that I want to have a healthy lifestyle and I don't have to be a size 0 to have it.  I'm excited about my lifestyle change and whether I'm going to be a size 0 or a size 28, I need to control my thinking and be happy with who I am.  Keep you posted on the journey!

The "Weight-ing" Game

"I'm not really into heavy lifting tonight..."

This lovely little comment has been ringing through my head since Friday evening after a pretty spectacular "Girl's Night Out."

Ironically, every time I go out, I'm reminded of what little confidence I have in my own skin.  Regardless of how much weight I lose or keep, I will never be a size 0...nor would I want to be.  I enjoy my curves and I like how the silhouette of my body looks in a ncie pair of jeans.

Now I run into the problem of waiting for someone who not only appreciates my personality but also that "silhouette" in or out of a nice pair of jeans :).

So now, as a woman, I'm trying to figure out the balance between being healthy and living a healthy lifestyle for myself or losing weight for the attention of ignorant men like the one made the lovely comment listed above...

To Be Continued

Dating Dilemmas....

I feel like this is turning into a tell all of my non-existent social life but here it goes...

For as long as I can remember I have heard the phrase "your time will come."  I cannot tell you how much this phrase irks the hell out of me. Half the people I went to high school with have been married, divorced, married again and working on the .5 of the 2.5 kids they already have...no exaggeration.

I'm 26, never been married, no kids, have a Master's Degree, pay my own bills etc etc etc...so why is it so difficult to find chemistry or attraction with a man of the same caliber?  I seem to be running into two types of men.....guys who fit that caliber and only looking for sex or guys whom have a major attraction but none of the basics (i.e. job, car or transportation of some sort...) and 20 kids with 5 babies' mommas.

Makes a woman just want to throw in the towel and head to the closest convent and sign up for the nun order...this is a tad extreme but I can't help what I feel....

End of rant and back to work.....