The Elixir of Love...

What if you could just swallow an elixir to forget how you feel?

As any high school age girl should be expected, I was into the Buffy and Angel universe...Will they or won't they be together?  At some point, as you grow older, you expect to stop living in the fantasy world and figure out what life REALLY is...

Now being 26, the plots for the preteen shows of today haven't really changed...and yet I still find myself reverting back to the thought process of what it was like to be in high school and yearn for that ONE boy to like you.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I never got that ONE boy and I thought I was over this particular stage of my life....this week's The Secret Circle proved me wrong.

Now, my life is no where near as dramatic has the characters played on my DVR, but they do tend to strike a nerve every so often...

So what would you do if you could take an elixir to forget how you truly felt about someone?  Honestly, I think I would have given my right arm for something like that during the summer of 2010.  The person, I was completely head over heels in love with told me he had fallen out of love with me...

It felt as though someone ripped out my heart and punched me in my stomach at the same time.  The relationship ended six months later.  Now, almost two years have gone by and I'm still holding to this pain I didn't even know I still had.  Pain that a TV show can make me relive; pain when asked the right question can bring me to tears, pain that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

There are so many questions I have that will never be answered and although I have forgiven him on what he did, I haven't forgiven myself for allowing it to happen.  I don't think I know how to...

The "Weight-ing" Game Continues...

"If you want something to change, do something different..."- Mr. Joe Thrower

I remember hearing this every other day while I spent most of my high school career in the many choral ensembles of RHS.  The Thrower-ism is in plain English and made sense every time he said it as well what context he was applying it to.

Somehow it just didn't click until now...

Based on society standards, I have been plus size all my life.  I've dealt with self-esteem issues, random starve yourself skinny diets and everything else in between.  Ironically, none of these were because I wanted to look different.  I wanted to lose weight to stop hearing the "fat" jokes.  I wanted to stop hearing that close friends of mine were always questioned as to why they hung out with me?  Because of course, skinny, pretty, and popular people do not associate with people like me.

Despite all this I still participated in many organizations and tried out for things, "big girls don't normally go out for..."

That last statement brought on hysterical laughter....anyway...

Once I came to the point that I wanted to make a change and saw that the change was happening, I freaked out.  What happens if I do drop this weight and feel amazing in my skin, in my clothes, and now I'm getting made fun of for something else?  So self-sabotage commenced...

Recently, I've come to terms with a lot of things.  I have embraced my curves and I will wear the hell out of some jeans that hug me the right way.  (Pick your own word) whoever doesn't like me for whatever reason.

With that being said, I decided that I want to have a healthy lifestyle and I don't have to be a size 0 to have it.  I'm excited about my lifestyle change and whether I'm going to be a size 0 or a size 28, I need to control my thinking and be happy with who I am.  Keep you posted on the journey!

The "Weight-ing" Game

"I'm not really into heavy lifting tonight..."

This lovely little comment has been ringing through my head since Friday evening after a pretty spectacular "Girl's Night Out."

Ironically, every time I go out, I'm reminded of what little confidence I have in my own skin.  Regardless of how much weight I lose or keep, I will never be a size 0...nor would I want to be.  I enjoy my curves and I like how the silhouette of my body looks in a ncie pair of jeans.

Now I run into the problem of waiting for someone who not only appreciates my personality but also that "silhouette" in or out of a nice pair of jeans :).

So now, as a woman, I'm trying to figure out the balance between being healthy and living a healthy lifestyle for myself or losing weight for the attention of ignorant men like the one made the lovely comment listed above...

To Be Continued